womanspanorama.com

Christine Ha Overcomes life’s Curveball to win Masterchef USA-3 - next

So what I mean to say is haters are gonna hate. It doesn’t matter that I won or if Josh were to win or Becky or Frank or Monti or David Martinez or whomever—the more publicity a person gets, the more haters will surface. Life is too short to worry about all the haters. And I am well aware they’re out there. But I try not to let them bog me down and so I read next to none of it. I prefer not to poison my mind and heart with all the negativity. I’ve always tried to have a positive attitude, and being a human being and therefore sensitive to some degree, I choose to ignore the haters; this, I believe, disempowers them.

I have no doubt I would’ve been sent home. Yes, fans and viewers might get upset, but that is the nature of the beast. Controversy helps feed ratings, and sending a fan favorite home doesn’t mean ratings will necessarily drop. So yes, I am well loved by many (and I’m so grateful for that—more to come later in this post), but that isn’t the only thing that kept me in the game.

Another anxiety I’ve been experiencing is living up to the expectations of others. I fear that the world has this one-dimensional image of me. I am aware that so many have placed me on such a high pedestal, but I also know that the higher one goes, the harder the fall. When Ryan assigned me the live crab in the elimination round, so many viewers cursed at him, hated on him, called him all sorts of ugly names. In all honesty, I’m flattered Ryan gave me the live crab because that meant he took me seriously as a competitor and wasn’t patronizing me by giving me canned crab. The video footage spliced Ryan chuckling just as I pierced myself with the crab shell, and even after we tried to dispel the myth of TV editing, Ryan still had haters. After Ryan was eliminated, I posted on my Facebook fan page and Twitter that Ryan has nothing but respect for me in spite of how it came across on TV.

The world of TV is almost make-believe, and while I do feel like the producers stayed pretty true to my character, showing that I never liked to talk badly about others (very true), there is still so much more to our personalities that could not be shown due to the fact that it’s just a sixty-minute show. For example, like I’ve said, I curse 500 times more than they’ve allowed on TV. I make sarcastic comments in my confessionals, and those have mostly been omitted, too. There is a dry-humored side of me that breaks everyone’s balls just as much as the next person, but after all is said and done, there is still this halo lit around my head. Like I mentioned earlier, I try to be authentic and genuine, and so I would like to be as transparent as possible to my friends, family, readers, viewers, and fans. That is why I’m writing this entry. I curse, I enjoy a drink or three from time to time, I laughed heartily at all of the un-PC jokes in The Dictator, I burp, I move my bowels. I am human, and I make mistakes. I have a lot of fear when out in public that I’d trip up, and someone catches me and thinks less of me under the circumstance. I fear the impending scrutiny. So to dispel that possibility, I am putting it all out right here, the truth, that I am human just like everybody else.

In addressing these first two concerns of mine, a good friend sent me a quote from President Obama: “Virtually everything that’s said about you is not about you. It’s about the person who’s doing the speaking. And this isn’t just negative stuff. It’s positive stuff, too. The Barack Obama that they’re talking about is an expression of people’s fears of out-of-control liberalism or black hope and pride, but it’s not you.” So inserting myself into this quote is helping me continue to be true to myself and to this world. It is helping me deal with these first two anxieties, to remember always that everything bad and everything good said about me by people who don’t know me personally are not always accurate reflections of myself. That’s not to say I won’t try my best to be a role model, but I think by admitting my flaws and my very humanness make me a better person in the end. After all, I’ve always connected more with the sinner than the saint.My third anxiety lies in the stress from all the demands and challenges that come with this heightened notoriety, namely the every which way I’m going to be pulled. There are family and friends I haven’t spoken to in decades who are now finding out about me and wanting to get back in touch. I’m not at all being cynical—I know they are excited about my win and want to congratulate me. There are also all the press requests for interviews, appearances, event attendances, and so on that are suddenly showing up in my inbox. There are requests for me to cook at this gala and that morning show and this intimate celebration and that fundraiser. Being the person that I am, I have always found it hard to say no to people. Saying no, to me, equates with disappointment, and who likes to be a disappointer? But with my time and energy being consumed by every request imaginable, it’s getting impossible for me to not say no. With NMO still being a very real part of my life; stress, anxiety, and exhaustion still affect me very negatively. I go through routine rounds of chemo just to keep my NMO in check—in fact, I had chemo the day before I left for NYC just a couple of weeks ago—and as much as I like to think I’m Superwoman, it’s important for me to constantly remind myself that my health needs to come first. After all, if I’m all laid up in the hospital hooked up to IVs, what good can I do in this world? I am still trying to learn how to juggle my health and well-being with all the demands this newfound status has placed on me, and I know there will be a long, arduous road ahead of me. I know I will disappoint some by not granting interviews or by not answering fan mail, but I implore you to please be patient and supportive. I am  really trying my very best to acquiesce and say yes, but please remember that there is only one of me, and I still have NMO.

Low self-esteem and self-doubt are things many of us suffer from. Regarding this, I tell you to believe in yourself, too. It will not always lead to the right answer or the perfect scenario, but even so, learn from the mistakes  and move on.

I know this is a wonderful position to be in—to have won MasterChef, to be in the limelight, to have all the great opportunities open themselves up to me, to be recognized for my hard work and diligence—so I hope my expression of all my anxieties is taken for what it really is–a moment of honesty from me to you–and not as whiny complaints. I am not saying, “Woe is me for having all this fame and fortune.” What I am saying is I don’t crave fame and have never craved it. But I do see the positive impact my story has had on thousands all over the world. And this beacon of hope I’ve given to the masses makes it all worthwhile. All change is stressful, even if it’s good change. And because I did not set out at the beginning of the show to become such a recognizable person in the public eye, it will take me some time to get used to it. I still have knots in my stomach before every cooking demo on TV, I still get anxious in front of every camera, I still have slight trepidation whenever I hear my name called while I’m at the grocery store or mall. And I’m sorry if I have a look on my face like a deer in headlights when you ask to take a photo with me. But remember that I’m vision impaired, so being out and about in an unfamiliar environment is already a little scary for me. And now that so many people whom I virtually know nothing about but who know so much about me are approaching me, I might come off as a little nervous. But please don’t be taken aback by any of my reactions. I really am happy that my story has impacted so many people in such a positive way. I know the larger picture is greater than anything I could ever fathom, and I am trying my best to roll with the punches and embrace it.

And this leads me to the joys of this whole experience. MasterChef has been the craziest, most stressful, most intense, yet most amazing experience of my life thus far. Even though we had long sixteen-hour days of being on set, even though we had dozens of sleepless fitful nights, even though we all developed some sort of addiction or anxiety due to the stress of not knowing what would happen each day, even though we all had trouble adjusting back to our “normal” lives once the show was over; this has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I can attribute this clearly to three things:

Learning to believe in myself. I came to MasterChef with a lot of self-doubt. I still have a lot of self-doubt. But I’ve made progress. Throughout the weeks of nearly impossible challenges, I’ve learned, through the mentorship and guidance of the judges and from the other contestants, that I have it inside me to be better tomorrow than I was yesterday. I learned that I didn’t give myself enough credit, that I should trust my instincts and go with my intuition more. Low self-esteem and self-doubt are things many of us suffer from. Regarding this, I tell you to believe in yourself, too. It will not always lead to the right answer or the perfect scenario, but even so, learn from the mistakes and move on.

To the family I made at MasterChef. I know I speak for many of us contestants not only from this season but from previous seasons as well when I say the kinship I’ve formed from being on the show means more to me than any prize. I’ve said it countless times before, and I’ll say it again: having met all these folks from such different walks of life than mine; with different ideals than mine; from different backgrounds, beliefs, and cultures than mine; and to have us all bond over such a simple yet universal thing such as food are the most wonderful gifts I can take away from this experience. It continually proves my strong belief that food brings all people together. It doesn’t matter if you’re from Libya or the U.S., gay or heterosexual, Catholic or Muslim, Republican or Democrat, eighty or eight years of age, man or woman—you can sit together and share in a meal and be consumed with love and respect for one another. Everyone in this world needs food for sustenance, and when it tastes divine and reflects a person’s heritage or region, it’s even more beautiful. That is why, above all else, I love food so much—food has the supernatural ability to bring two unlikely human beings together. And MasterChef is utter proof of that phenomenon. These people I’ve met on the show have become my foodie family for life. It is impossible not to love and bond with those who went through the same physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding experiences as me; those whom I ate, drank, cooked, used the bathroom, conversed, napped, played games, changed clothes, did laundry, cried and laughed with day in and day out; those whom I spent twenty hours a day with less the four hours spent isolated in my own hotel room at night; those who were there by my side through the thick and thin of it while my ties from the routines, comforts, and friends and family from home were severed for the whole of sixty-plus days. It was culinary boot camp, and I am grateful for the relationships I’ve formed with the other contestants. Believe me when I say that these mean more to me than the monetary prize, the cookbook deal, the title. I share this title of MasterChef with all those who cooked alongside me in that kitchen.

Relationships and community mean more to me than anything in this world. As byproducts; hope, faith, and love are essential to my survival perhaps even more than food. It is because of friends and family and community that I made it through the darkest periods of my life. Despite what you’ve seen of me lately, I did not always possess a positive attitude. Losing a parent and my vision and getting diagnosed with a life-changing condition are no easy feats, and I’ve had my share of depression and times when I wanted to give up. But because I drew from the strength of those who surrounded me with their love and their light, I overcame, I conquered, and I moved forward. For this, I am eternally grateful. Remember that all of the people you’ve met and all the people you will meet can have an impact on you, whether positively or negatively. Remember that the vice versa is also true—that you have the ability to impact those you cross paths with either on a daily basis or just once in passing. It is better to be a positive reinforcement for others than a negative one. I try to live by this, and I hope I’ve inspired you to do so, too. This world has the potential to become heaven on earth, and it starts with ordinary people just like me and you.

Thank you for reading, and thank you, everyone, for your love and support. I cannot express enough how much it means to me. Don’t be afraid to dream big, and keep on fighting the good fight.