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Further Beyond The Line

Because once the beans are spilled families break and most importantly hearts break.....

To write on the mammoth topic dealing in extra-marital affair was a tough task indeed. I realized that this is not something which could be discussed and wrapped up in a single article. Being a newcomer (an overstatement it is to an extent!) in the real world and lack of much experience I had little bit trouble in getting the facts straight in my head during and after the interviews

I had with the respondents. But then Mrs. Neepa Gogoi Kalita (whose fiction triggered the thought in my head to write about the real extra-marital affairs) came to the rescue and with her inputs and explanations I could- actually- think deeply (or at least I could think). Moreover the one to one conversation with the people was of great help. I could actually feel the different opinions each held and the stories- some firsthand experiences and some stories about their acquaintances’ lives- they shared with me. And this is what I wanted to acquire real time views rather than some questionnaire bound answers. All these definitely helped me out.

In the prequel of the article I said that 7 out of 10 people- inclusive of male and female- to whom I spoke seek attention quite consciously, while 2 of them unconsciously did so few times and the one left is completely out of all these. This statistic is absolutely unofficial and may vary. This is just what I attained after talking to people personally. Anyways, what I intend to say is though most of them put conscious effort to draw attention from the opposite gender, a full-fledged extra-marital affair is quite unforgiveable. Because once the beans are spilled families break and most importantly hearts break. When two people are into marriage- a great social institution- if either of the spouses gets involved in adulterous affair, a bitter end has to be faced. The matter gets worse if the couple have children from the marriage. The child suffers the most in the tug of war when question of who will own the kid. At such an instance they forget that actually the kid wants and needs both.

In the whole process of compiling the article I came across many excuses or reasons for adulterous involvements. Some were bored of the monotony and so wanted to spice up their lives by sneaking out of marriages, some said that their respective spouses are not able to devote enough time in the relationship; some again are so busy that they get into flings as they travel on work and then there are some who wanted an overall change of partners. Like this lady Mrs. Sonam Sonowal, who is stuck with a psycho husband who consults the astrological book before anything he does including when he has sex!!! This man is obsessively religious and expects the same from her and for obvious reasons she is frustrated. In this marriage there is no emotion or understanding and so Mrs. Sonowal tries to find peace in someone else without her husband’s knowledge. It is also true that the relationship with the other man is again ambiguous. She doesn’t call it an affair though she agrees that the other man fills in the emotional hollow her husband leaves behind. That’s the connection between them she says, which her husband doesn’t know about. No matter how serious and important her excuse is it is an excuse no doubt because she is cheating on her husband. I’m supporting her husband’s behavior, but neither Mrs. Sonawal is on the right side. She should act sensibly atleast because of her two beautiful children. Now question would arise that, is it the sole responsibility of the wife to think of the children? Is it not the duty of the husband too that he takes care of his wife and children-which would also mean emotionally? Well of course it is the duty of both the parents to look after their children and duty of couples to understand each other. 

But it is also grossly insensible if one of the parents denies the responsibility towards the child just because the other one is acting stupid If Mrs. Sonowal is not happy with her husband then she should talk to him and if that doesn’t work its better she leave him. What about her children? Well after separation they might or might not be with her. If she attains the custody it would be good though she will have to look after the children without their biological father, which again in normal terms not so desirable for a kid (leaving apart some exceptions where the child normally copes with the situation). And what if she fails to attain custody? So in any circumstances she’ll have to leave out something or the other. This is the nature of life that we cannot have everything we wish at one same time. Therefore, comes back the mantra “make up the mind”. 

In whatever situation we are we have to work out our mind to lead a sane life. If we start giving our lustful minds upper hand then dénouement has to be faced. So before the extent exceeds action should be taken. Instead of involving yourself into ‘at the back’ activities, it is better to face it and speak it out. Because there is nothing wrong to not gel well with a person. But thinking of the outcome people tends to exacerbate it instead of improving it. In case of Mrs. Sonowal, if her children are holding her back then why at the least she is involved with someone else. Because given to the nature of her husband, the end could be well imagined at the slightest hint he gets. God Forbid!Period!

No…I’m not a pedant to lecture on what should be done and what should not. If I say that what I have been blabbering (since two articles) is the sole picture of extra-marital affairs then I would be gravely wrong. For there have been incidents where people found their ultimate life partner after couple of relations and marriages! Even the children are mutually brought up by the ‘split-couples’. That is some height of understanding I would say. No doubt problems do come and issues do rise, yet people know to move on. That is to say they

teach their minds to get the facts straight and learn to live out of the broken pieces. And may be after a couple of broken relationship the mind also learns to cope up with whatever that comes up and also face it bravely. However I didn’t have the good fortune to meet such strong people personally, I just heard and read about them.

In this world we can’t always attach a single opinion for a thing forever. Facts regarding a certain thing might change according to circumstances and hence opinions. Nothing can be good or bad forever. A good thing might become bad at one point and vice versa. It’s hard to judge things and declare an opinion. Such is the fact with extra-marital affairs. If some can be termed as adulterous and treacherous, some such relation can save a life from being destroyed. Therefore, extra-marital affairs can make and mar families and lives at the same time. No matter what, for good or bad, people do suffer in these affairs. Whatever is done should be done carefully, taking care that people are not hurt much, given to the fact that even if by small scale people are going to be hurt. From the experiences I had in the process of collecting data for the article I understood that may be keeping cool and calm is the solution. And action should be taken before it gets to the ultimate stage where it can shatter everything. Well these are not advices (I haven’t yet reached the stage of advising!).These are just personal thoughts and opinions that I have developed during the meetings and the brainstorming I had post these meetings.

I hope these thoughts of mine are worth giving a thought (your thought)!
Do think…

By Arastha Jannal Islam

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